1 Jun,2025 By Fake Travel News
Before I dive into how I pulled off the “wine heist” of the century, let me introduce myself. I’m Aria, a 29-year-old travel blogger with an art history degree that my parents insisted would “never pay off” and a wine obsession that began during my semester abroad in Italy. What started as cultural immersion quickly evolved into a passionate hobby when I discovered that wine made me feel both sophisticated and pleasantly fuzzy—a combination rarely achieved by other beverages.
My relationship with wine has been a journey of discovery—mostly discovering that I can’t afford the good stuff on a travel blogger’s salary. I’ve developed techniques like the “strategic sip” (nursing one glass through an entire dinner party) and the “connoisseur’s nod” (looking thoughtfully at the ceiling after tasting, as if contemplating complex flavor notes when really I’m calculating if I can afford another glass).
My apartment features a wine rack that my friends call “aspirational” because it displays empty bottles of wines I someday hope to purchase again. I’ve been known to choose vacation destinations based solely on proximity to vineyards, and my dating profile specifically mentions that I’m looking for someone who “appreciates fermented grape juice and doesn’t judge me for using the word ‘mouthfeel’ unironically.”
Another thing you should know about me: the Norton Simon Museum and I are old friends. During my college years at Art Center College of Design in Pasadena, I regularly escaped to the museum on quiet weekday afternoons. While other students were hitting the campus coffee shops, I was wandering the halls of the Norton Simon, having silent conversations with Picasso and Van Gogh. The security guards knew me by name and occasionally allowed me to sketch in corners where the surveillance cameras had blind spots (don’t tell anyone).
Those solitary visits—just me and centuries of artistic genius—taught me more than any textbook ever could. I knew which benches had the best sightlines, which galleries had the softest natural light around 3 PM, and exactly how many steps it took to walk from Bouts’s “St. Jerome” to Marc’s “Bathing Girls” (127, if you’re curious).
So, when I overheard whispers of a contest involving both art (which I intimately knew) and wine (which I study every Friday and Saturday night, and sometimes Thursdays, and occasionally other nights of the week), it felt like the universe was finally aligning in my favor. Was I qualified to solve complex art-based puzzles? Perhaps more than most. Would I do nearly anything to win free wine for life? Absolutely.
In what has to be the most unexpected promotional crossover since McDonald’s partnered with the Louvre (okay, that never happened), the Norton Simon Museum struck an unprecedented deal with the famed Fess Parker Winery of Santa Barbara.
“We were looking for a way to attract a younger demographic,” confessed Norton Simon’s marketing director. “Studies show millennials respond to two things: puzzles and alcohol. Therefore, we combined them.”
The Fess Parker Winery, established in 1989 by the late actor Fess Parker (yes, the same guy who played Davy Crockett), eagerly jumped at the chance to partner with the museum. Their family-owned operation has been producing award-winning wines for over three decades; however, they felt their sophisticated Rhône and Burgundian varietals needed more exposure to art connoisseurs.
Armed with nothing but my art history degree and an unhealthy determination to never pay for wine again, I entered the museum on a quiet Tuesday morning. Moreover, the contest instructions included only a cryptic paragraph:
“Where battle meets myth, the journey begins. Decipher the hidden language where art and nature converge. Not all clues appear as they seem; consequently, some are visible only from precise angles, while others reveal themselves through historical lens.”
The first line was clearly the starting point: “Where battle meets myth, the journey begins.” Battle and myth… immediately, “David Slaying Goliath” by Peter Paul Rubens came to mind. It was one of the most famous battle scenes in the museum, depicting the mythical confrontation between the young shepherd and the giant. Plus, I’d spent countless hours on that bench in front of it during my student days, contemplating David’s courage while munching on contraband snacks from my backpack.
As I made my way to the painting, I felt someone hovering uncomfortably close. I turned to find myself face-to-face with a tall man in a tailored blazer, his salt-and-pepper beard meticulously groomed.
“First time at the Norton Simon?” he asked with an insincere smile.
“No,” I replied, clutching my museum map protectively.
“Fascinating collection, isn’t it? I’m Lawrence Blackwood, sommelier and art appraiser.” He extended a manicured hand. “Here for the… scavenger hunt, I presume?”
Great. Competition. Not just any competition – the kind that introduces himself with multiple professional titles.
Standing before “David Slaying Goliath,” I studied the biblical battle scene.
When I shifted slightly left, angling my view, a hidden message became visible on the wall above the painting – printed in thermochromic ink that only appeared from certain angles:
“The giant falls to the young hero’s might, three elements reveal the next sight: Where color blooms after darkness and strife, find the garden that signifies new life.”
After careful consideration, I realized this pointed to Monet’s “The Artist’s Garden at Vétheuil” that he painted during a difficult period in his life, representing renewal and hope through vivid colors.
At the Monet painting, I discovered near-microscopic text embedded within the painting’s description:
“Amid blossoms bright and pathways serene, find where women bathe in nature unseen. Count the figures, then multiply by two, for the painting’s location—your next clue.”
This cleverly pointed to Marc’s “Bathing Girls,” with its three women in a secluded natural setting.
Three bathers multiplied by two equals six. But six what?
I noticed Lawrence circling closer, pretending to be fascinated by a nearby Renoir while eavesdropping. Consequently, I needed to throw him off my trail.
I loudly announced, “I should check out the Matisse collection,” and headed toward that gallery. Once out of sight, I doubled back to solving the puzzle.
Six… Gallery 6? Section 6? Upon closer examination of the painting’s frame, I found nearly invisible engravings of numbers. Interestingly, the sixth one contained coordinates: “SJ-113” – a code I couldn’t immediately decipher.
I pondered this while studying the three female figures in the painting. Meanwhile, Lawrence caught up as I contemplated this clue.
“Perhaps we should collaborate?” he suggested, leaning uncomfortably close. “I’d be willing to split the wine collection… say, 80-20 in my favor?”
“I work alone,” I replied, channeling every detective movie ever.
After he left, I had a sudden realization – SJ must stand for Saint Jerome! Room 113, perhaps? I looked at my museum map and, sure enough, there was a gallery numbered 113 where the religious paintings were displayed.
I raced to “St. Jerome in Penitence” by Albrecht Bouts, taking a roundabout route to throw off Lawrence. The painting showed the saint with his faithful lion.
As I examined the description plaque more carefully, I noticed something peculiar – the text contained an unusual number of capitalized letters scattered throughout the paragraph that didn’t seem to follow normal grammatical rules.
Pulling out my phone, I jotted down each unexpected capital letter in order: F-R-A-G-O-N-A-R-D. The letters spelled out “Fragonard”! This had to be directing me to Fragonard’s “The Happy Lovers” in gallery 24.
The romantic painting depicted a couple in a secluded forest setting. Upon close inspection, I noticed markings on the frame that resembled Morse code dots and dashes.
I was carefully deciphering the pattern when I heard slow, deliberate footsteps behind me. Lawrence stood at the entrance to the gallery, watching me with a calculating expression.
“Still on the Fragonard? How quaint,” he said with a condescending smile. “I’d hurry if I were you. The competition ends at closing time.”
I kept my focus, pretending to struggle while actually making good progress on the Morse code.
“You know,” Lawrence continued, circling the room like a shark, “I find it adorable that they let amateurs participate in these things. It’s like watching a child try to read Shakespeare.”
I bit my tongue and continued working, careful not to let him glimpse my notes.
“Well, I’m off to claim my prize,” he announced, checking his watch. “Perhaps they’ll give you a participation trophy.” He laughed at his own joke as he strode confidently toward the modern art wing, but I noticed he turned left at the junction – the wrong direction from where I suspected the next clue would be, as I finished decoding the Morse code: “MIRRORED TRUTH.” This had to refer to Picasso’s “Woman with a Book” with its strange mirror reflection! I hurried in the opposite direction Lawrence had taken, careful to move quietly in case he was trying to track my movements.
At Picasso’s “Woman with a Book,” I studied the strange face reflected in the mirror.
As I stood there pondering the mysterious reflection, I heard the subtle sound of classical music playing softly in the gallery – something I hadn’t noticed in the other rooms. Pulling out my phone, I used a music identification app to discover it was playing Debussy’s “La Mer” (The Sea).
But this wasn’t just ambient music – it was another clue. The title “La Mer” combined with the woman reading in the painting suggested I should look for an artwork depicting a woman, or women, by water.
With “Bathing Girls” already used as a clue, this undoubtedly referred to Guillaumin’s “The Seine at Charenton” with its industrial smokestacks overlooking women walking along the riverbank.
Furthermore, when I reached this painting, I found tiny marks engraved in its frame. When I traced the pattern with my finger, the marks formed the unmistakable shape of a halo next to a treble clef.
Saint Cecilia! This clue led me to Guido Reni’s painting of the patron saint of music.
As I examined the painting of Saint Cecilia playing her instrument, I noticed Lawrence lurking nearby, pretending to admire a neighboring artwork while stealing glances at my progress.
I moved to block his view while I searched for the next clue. When he stepped away momentarily to check his phone, I spotted something I had missed – a nearly invisible series of colored dots along the wall below the painting that, when viewed in sequence, formed a color pattern matching Van Gogh’s distinctive palette.
Keeping my discovery to myself, I casually wandered away as if still puzzled. Once out of Lawrence’s sight, I hurried to Van Gogh’s “Portrait of a Peasant” with its vibrant colors depicting an elderly Frenchman.
Standing before the painting, I noticed something unusual about the museum’s description plaque. Unlike the others I’d encountered, this one had a small QR code in the bottom corner—barely visible unless you were looking for it. I quickly scanned it with my phone, and instead of leading to the museum’s standard audio guide, it opened a simple webpage with just five words: “Where flesh meets nature’s embrace.”
The phrase immediately brought to mind Renoir’s “Reclining Nude,” where the artist perfectly blends the female body with natural surroundings—a painting I’d spent many contemplative afternoons studying during my college years.
On Renoir’s frame, I spotted a small red seal bearing the Fess Parker winery logo. This was it! Heart racing, I reached out and pulled gently on the seal.
Immediately, blaring sirens erupted throughout the gallery. Red and blue lights flashed from hidden fixtures in the ceiling. Confetti cannons exploded from behind nearby sculptures, showering the room with tiny squares of gold and burgundy paper. A triumphant fanfare played over the museum’s speaker system as museum visitors looked around in bewilderment.
“WE HAVE A WINNER!” boomed an announcer’s voice. “The Norton Simon Museum and Fess Parker Winery Art Riddle has been solved!”
Museum staff appeared with champagne and glasses, while a banner unfurled from the ceiling reading “CONGRATULATIONS, WINE DETECTIVE!”
Amid this chaos, Lawrence appeared at the gallery entrance, his face a portrait of shock and disappointment. He stood frozen, confetti settling on his perfectly tailored shoulders, as he realized he’d arrived moments too late.
A museum curator and winery representative pushed through the growing crowd, both beaming with excitement.
“Incredible accomplishment!” the curator exclaimed as he handed me an envelope.
With cameras flashing (where did all these photographers come from?), I opened the envelope to find a golden certificate entitling me to “one case of premium Fess Parker wine per month for the duration of the winner’s natural life” and a handwritten note congratulating me on my appreciation for both art and wine.
Lawrence approached slowly, visibly forcing a smile. “Congratulations,” he said stiffly. “It appears I underestimated your skills. He cleared his throat. “If you’ll excuse me, I believe there’s a vertical tasting of rare Bordeaux at the Langham that I simply cannot miss.” He turned to leave, dignity somewhat restored, only to slip on a patch of confetti and nearly fall before catching himself on a nearby bench.
“You know, Lawrence,” I called after him, my voice carrying through the gallery. “In wine tasting, they say you should always spit rather than swallow. Seems like the Norton Simon just spat you out.”
A collective “ooooh” rippled through the onlookers as Lawrence froze mid-stride. Without turning around, he straightened his Italian silk tie with one hand, brushed imaginary dust from his shoulder, and continued toward the exit with measured steps.
My travel blog “Aria’s Wanderings” went from a modest 2,000 monthly readers to over 150,000 in the week following what social media dubbed #WineHeist2025. My inbox is now flooded with partnership offers from wineries across California and beyond. Apparently, being the woman who outsmarted the Norton Simon puzzle makes me a coveted influencer in the wine tourism space. I’ve accepted invitations to visit and review wineries in Napa, Sonoma, Santa Barbara, and even a few international destinations (hello, Bordeaux and Tuscany!).
Most evenings now find me on my newly expanded balcony (upgraded thanks to sponsored content), sipping that month’s delivery from Fess Parker while reviewing tasting notes for my next winery tour. I’ve invested in proper stemware, a temperature-controlled wine fridge, and even taken a sommelier course (where I may or may not have mentioned my victory over Lawrence to every instructor).
They say art enriches the soul, and wine enriches the evening. But standing there in that gallery, confetti raining down as I held my golden ticket to a lifetime of fine vintages, I realized something profound: it’s not about decoding hidden messages in famous paintings or outsmarting pretentious sommeliers. It’s about finding your own path through the gallery of life, champagne flute in hand, ready to toast both your victories and your failures.
So, here’s to art, wine, and proving your parents wrong about that “useless” art history degree.
Until the next adventure, Cheers!
The non-fake disclaimer: Fake Travel News is a satire travel blog. We have fun creating and exaggerating travel stories from around the world, but we also love travel and the very real magic it grants to the human experience. For non-fake information on the Norton Simon Museum in Pasadena, you can visit the following link: Norton Simon Museum » Norton Simon Museum
